Don't worry, I am fine btw. No life threatning I may just have to live with anxiety issues for my life. Ciao!
This is purely a retrospecitve blog. I have been looking back at the last nine months and realizing this one fact.
I am someone new this year, moreso than ever before. I started this year engaged. I was trashed and dumped less than two months afterwards. I have grown into a person who really doesn't care anymore, in that I have given all my worries to God. I really don't worry about anything anymore. And I have really stopped caring what others think. If yo don't like me cause I dress in a gothic sense, and thats how my mind is? Well thats your deal not mine. I am aslo growing in my faith and learning to place my trust in Him, and I like thre results. The other big revelation is I am on the cusp of a two month anniversary with my girlfriend Criss. She is quite possibly, the best girl I ever met, a strong willed, strong in faith woman. She and ia re so similar and yet different. I am so excited to visit her this fall (she happens to live over in Germany currently, and we were friends for three years befoorehand, she was born here in MT). I cannot get over the fact that right now, with all the trials i have at home and whatnot, I stil wouldn't trade it for anything. We are placed trials that we overcome them and grow, so whyh would you only praise God for the good? You take the good and the bad, both are from the Lord, and you need them both, otherwise you will never grow.
Planning a trip to visit on Halloween. That will be awesome. Hours are picking up at the bookstore, and we are opening a new bargain store, which is awesome (increase in hours that be)
I am all in all, very pleased about things right now.....save for one thing.
I am trying to focus on reading the Word more. That's about the biggest issue. I dig into it now and again but need to make it a daily habit. Silly me.
OMG IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!
The only real problem I had was hearing a lot of 'bots cuss up a blue streak. And I know some people hated the Twins, but personally, i liked them, and thought it was soo cool that they had more personality this go around IE: Starscream was the sniveling little usurper again, how Bumbleebee was more into truly protecting Sam in ALL aspects of life (the car scene anyone?) Although what with the major plot thing that i cannot divulge concerning Peter Cullen I was all teared up. Admit that. I knew it couldn't last, but still....
Oh yes, multiple viewing are on order here.
And not enough Arcee. I was soo stoked to see Arcee, and she never gets anything. And ravage.....ahhhhh grand!!!
Ok, on the note of life right now:
it is grand actually., been picking up a lot more hours, and just truly enjoying things. Just really for the first time, letting go of the reins and letting God take the wheel. Man is it releving.
AS FOR MICHEAL AND FAWCET: Ok fawcet was ill, but still sad in the same way the Jackson's is. He may have been a wee bit odd, but, he was a father, and now those children are without him. Which begs the question: When YOU die, whiat will yuo say to YOUR father? The one who created you? I know that this was posted on some other peoples things, but it is a very good question, and it shoud make you think a moment or two.
I had a powerful wake up call this week at my college group. I need to really start letting people know about the Truth. I really don't talk to people about it. Yet I have been given a gift to be able to talk to people, to get them to laugh and feel ok, and to strike up conversations with them. And i really do not use it. Why? if I have these gifts, I need to make full use of them while I can. I could not be here tomorrow. I do not know the plan for my life, it is not in my hands. I just really know what I must do.
In your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in
Your veins, in your veins
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin
Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that HallmarkT cards are true
I really do
I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy
Love don't leave me
Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away
I'm gunning down romance
This is my new fave song by Savage Garden. It is so amazing. And yet...so heart breakingly true in my mind, when you break down the essence of your feelings, they are simply naught but a reaction in the mind.
I am mad. Mad at myself for letting myself get swept up in stupid emotions
mad at the fact that I can't do anything about your decisions, and that there are different things going around. Mad about how this transpired. Mad about The way you waited. You told me if there were any hesitations to bring them up, many times before. I guess that didn't apply to you, seeing as you had some apparently and never voiced them until there was a breaking point. I figure that you were just biding time. I guess that my emotions made it easier to facilitate this farce, cause hey, if one of them actually does feel that way, all the easier to feed off of. How could you say you loved me? You never did in my mind as you ended it and wanted me to move on. How could you hold me so softly, while bearing thorns in your mind? How could you do this? What went through your mind? And I guess that I was just the collateral damage in all this, because you seem to have gotten over this and are just being yourself. But who are you, really? Going by a different name depending on where and who you were with, and which one of you did I meet? Which one of you cared for me? What happened? I still don't know, I was never really given a straight answer.
I guess that I am just venting. I don't know, last night I just wasn't happy. I have times where I go like that, and can be just fine, then drop to the dpeths again. I hate this, and cannot wait until it is over with.
I am no longer engaged.
For that matter I am not in any kind of relationship.
She ended it. Flat out. She did, and I wanted to try and work it out. But she would have none of it. Over and done.
Do I regret it?
No. I regret some of the decisions, but the thing as a whole was supposed to happen.
There is a lesson to be learned here, and yeah it hurts. I am entitled to hurt right now.
Will I get over it?
Eventually. Could be a few weeks, a few months but sooner or later I will.
Is this the end of the world?
No it is not.
I feel like I was drifting from my Father, and I need to get back to Him.
I should not have to alter my life for someone else. If they do not like who I am, then that is their issue.
And I shall pick up the pieces, dust off my shoulders, and get back on course.
No way to go
Internal instincts craving isolation
For me to grow
Fell in a river of illusion
Drowning in a self-induced confusion- "Re-Align", Godsmack
I was so dumb to think I was ready to be married. I don't have the money. I don't have the financial standings to be secure, heck I don't have anything. She and I both decided that waiting is the best thing to do. Ergo, we shall.
If you have the need to comment, please send me a message in private as opposed to a public comment.
After thinking on, and discussing with both her and my family, it has been decided to do the legal aspect of the marriage. I will not be able to be insured through my mother as I had been whence this happens, and I need it due to my medical stuff. I can get it through work in a month, and through her work possibly, we aren't sure. We are still planning on an actual ceremony on the 6th of January 2010. It will be a celebration for our marriage, and we will do the religous aspects of the wedding there. I know some people who might be angered by this desicion, but this will show who my true friends are. One is already to be there at this, and is super happy. My family is behind it. I appreciate all your thoughts on this, but this is MY life. I know that this is what I want. I haven't forsaken God. I feel that this is right. So does she. We still want God to be a big part of our lives, and He will. We will just be sharing our lives with each other, from now on.
If given the chance, would I do it tomorrow?
I feel so clouded by emotion right now.
I love her so much
I know I want to spend my life with her
and I also know what may beliefs are.
Hence my dilemma.
I don't know what to do.
Please: If anyone who read this would, please pray for us, for her and for me.
Pray for us to have clear heads about this, that we do not do something rash.
I simply feel so confused and conflicted that I feel sick, literally ill.
And God, I want to do the right thing.
...I just wish I knew what the right thing is.
I am scared. Scared in the sense that I am unsure, not actual fear. This is a lot to deal with. Planning this wedding is so much, there is a lot that I am having to do, I need more money for the future. I need a car. And while I am at it, a license for said car would be a good idea. I need to get in a better eating style. I need to start looking at the big picture. I need to learn who my soon to be wife is like behind everything I see ( meaning I need to just spend time with her and learn who she is). I need to pay off a 1,200 school payment, make my phone bill each month AND save for honeymoon/wedding.
But above all else, I MUST trust in God.
I CAN do this, and I cannot forget that He will never forget me.
Don't know what you are getting into
You are not prepared.
You are not financially set
You don't know each other.
We know it won't be easy.
We know that it seems crazy
We wouldn't have it any other way.
We understand what we are getting into.
One year ago, I never thought I would find someone like I have now.
One year ago, I couldn't imagine that I would have given up all that I have.
One year ago, I never thought that I would have made the friends I have made.
One year ago, I never thought that I would be at home again.
One year ago, I never thought I would be back at college.
One year ago, I would never have believed that I could have found the peace and inner joy that I have.
One year ago today, I gave myself to God.
One year ago today, I rejected the "pleasures" of this world.
One year ago today, I made a life altering choice.
I wouldn't take this years worth of decisions back. I really do not know how I functioned without God in my life. As I enter a new year, and a new point in my life, I am more excited about it than ever before.
Tonight was so amazing. I have the most incredible woman in my life now, and tonight she truly gave herself up to God. She was the only one to stand and actually got called out, which was unnerving for her,but we are called to live publicly for Him, and so it was needed to acknowledge it publicly. I am so thankful for her, and for what God can do with her, and just feel so blessed that she is in my world. Friday will be the one year anniversary of my rebirth, and wow, it seems like forever ago. Just can't imagine what eternity will be like....
I will leave that though for a later post. I need to get to bed.